Breaking News: Golden State Warriors Sold, and its Not To Larry Ellison

On the day that should have been the most euphoric day of my life, Chris Cohan gave a gigantic "F-U. Im out" to Golden State Warriors fans.

The man singularly responsible for 17 years of embarrassing and laughable basketball here in the Bay Area decided too stick it to  fans on his way out by NOT selling the team to the highest bidder, Larry Ellison, but instead selling it to Joseph Lacob for LESS money.

What!? 

Yes, according to numerous sources in the Bay Area media, Ellison, the fifth richest man in the world placed the highest bid on the table yet did not recive the keys to the franchise.

A statement from Mr. Ellison himself reads, “Although I was the highest bidder, Chris Cohan decided to sell to someone else.  In my experience this is a bit unusual.  Nonetheless, I wish the Warriors and their fans nothing but success under their new ownership."

Wait.....what!?

If you are thinking to yourself that this is the most BIZZARE thing you have ever heard of, you are not alone. Why in the world would Chris Cohan sell his team to the lowest bidder? How much higher was Ellison's bid relative to Lacob's? Does Cohan fear Ellison would have embarrassed him once he took over? Does Cohan hold a grudge against Ellison? Dosn't it seem like Cohan sold it to somebody who was going to allow his buddies, Robert Rowell, Larry Riley and Don Nelson keep their jobs? Why, Why, WHY did this happen?

As a fan waiting for this moment for 17 years, and consumed by the chance of a sale this calendar year, i am outraged, disappointed and downright pissed. For those of you who dont understand what we just missed out on, let me try to explain who Larry Ellison is.

Larry Ellison is rich. Not just wealthy, not just a millionaire or a billionaire, he is straight up FILTHY rich. Take a second to consider what it means to be the fifth richest man in the world. There are only FOUR men in the ENTIRE world that have more money than Larry Ellison. Not four richer people in the NBA, or America, or even North America. THE ENTIRE FREAKIN WORLD!!!

In the NBA the two richest owners are Mark Cuban, reportedly worth 14 billion and the Nets owner, (Mutant Mark Cuban for those of you who read the Sports Guy), who is worth 17 billion dollars. 

Ellison is worth 38 billion dollars.

I may not be the greatest at math, but by my count that is more than double the amount of the next richest owners. That means Larry Ellison could sit down at a poker table, go all in on Cuban in the first hand, go all in on Mutant Mark Cuban in the second hand and still have 7 billion dollars to play with. Larry Ellison could not only buy the Warriors, he could buy every single team in the NBA, MLB and NFL.

Wouldn't you want that man speaking to potential free agents every off season?

Larry Ellison is competitive. His most recent outlet has been the America's Cup, a boat race which has been dominated by snobby Russian billionaire Ernesto Bertarelli. After losing his first attempt at the Americas Cup, Ellison publicly announced that the Russian winner was a douchebag (maybe not an exact quote) and decided he was going to personally embarress him.

Ellison entered a personal feud with Bertarelli. He hired away the Captain who had won for Bertarelli. He hired the best engineers in the world to work on his vessel and he personally rode shotgun when his ship put a whoppin on the Russina Douche and became the first American to win the cup since 1992. 

Ladies and Gentleman, THAT could have been the owner of your Golden State Warriors. 

But instead, we "upgraded" to some pinhead Stanford graduate. I don't care that he is local, i don't care that he worked for the Celtics and i really don't care that he reportedly has a "basketball" background. I want an owner with money! Since when do owners successfully handle player personal? Since when do owners create game plans, scout their opponents and bring talent onto the roster? 

Thats right, never.

I want somebody who is going to PAY to bring in the right people to get the job done. Not try to do it themselves. Remember, the players roster counts again the salary cap, but there is NO limit to what can be spent on a front office.

That's what Mark Cubam does. Thats what Jerry Buss does and thats what possibly the greatest owner is sports, George Steinbrenner, did.

You think the Lakers, the Mavericks and the Yankees are good every year on accident? No, they pay smart people to make smart decisions and their not afraid to open up their wallets and give their players the nicest facilities and the nicest perks.

Warriors fans, this is what we missed out on today. Instead of moving to the top of the food chain, we fall right back into a familiar position. 

Enjoy seventeen more years of mediocrity.